Left my heart in Tokyo

So Tokyo is awesome.  I only had 1.2 days to explore the city, so I’m pretty sure I missed out on 99% of what the city has to offer.  Still, I loved the energy, the efficiency, the food, and the size of the city.  I actually found the people to be friendly – especially compared to the Chinese (who always sounded like they were yelling at me) and the Mongolians (who looked at me like I was their next meal) though not quite as friendly as the Thai (who used every chance they could to try to take me to a ping pong show*).  I’d definitely come back** – though I think its the type of city where knowing someone local is really, really crucial and helpful.  I was quite proud of myself for figuring out the (awesome) metro – but I wasn’t so lucky with finding my hotel.  I got lost EVERY SINGLE TIME I had to find the hotel in Shinjuku, but it wasn’t such a big deal because I kept finding 7-11’s and AM/PM’s to jump into and buy a new treat each time.

Ok so here’s the thing with Tokyo.  It’s fully automated. I don’t think we need to worry about the Japanese building robots that take over the world. What we need to worry about is the Japanese turning us into mindless robots. From the minute I landed, I hardly ever had to lift a finger to accomplish anything. 

For instance let me walk you through a routine experience that we’re all have some familiarity with – depending on how much water and fiber we consume.  Going to the the bathroom.

To start with – you walk through a door that is obviously automatic.  Then a people mover directs you to an open stall (ok not really) or urinal.

Inside the bathroom the lights naturally detect your presence and turn themselves on.

 

Ok automated lights aren’t all that revolutionary, but this is only the start

The toilet has an auto clean function, so you don’t have to bother with those (useless) weird tissue things most public bathrooms have in the US.

Then you do your business.  That’s your only responsibility and I’m sure some genius in Japan is working on taking even that away from you. You don’t even have to wipe your own ass – the toilet will wash and air dry you down while you play a video game.  Yes, there is even a massage water function.  To avoid filling your mind with images you don’t want, I won’t comment on whether I availed of this function or not. 

Then the sinks and soap dispenser are automated too.  The dryer is one of those high speed ones that gets your hands dry faster than you could fumbling with a paper towel.

When you step outside the doors will be automatic all the way until you get to your train that will arrive within 2 minutes and whisks you to where you need to be.

Along the way, if you get hungry a vending machine will take your order and some other gizmo will give you green tea.

Speaking of the vending machines…

Not only is it sick that there are vending machines EVERYWHERE selling EVERYTHING, but even better – you can get HOT drinks.  I can get coffee 24/7 on every street corner.  For those of you who know a little something about my caffeine addiction (and the consequences of keeping me from coffee) – this is a BIG deal.

All of the above cans are in a heated compartment. 

Random segway attempt showing…

...me being imperial.

As for the food.  Well I’m pretty sure Tokyo has more eating spots than any other city on earth.  I’m not just saying that – I would wager that the number of eating establishments per head is probably the highest on the planet (keep in mind Tokyo has 30 million + citizens).  I DO know that Tokyo also has the most number of Michelin star restaurants in the world.  Sadly, I had no company/time/money to enjoy any of these establishments.  Instead I focused on 7-11 and the streets.

So here is some prepackaged, takeaway, and relatively good sushi at 7-11.

 

Ok – LOOK at how many ice cream flavors there are at this place

Yep – bean curd ice cream.  Yum, yum.  No I don’t think they mean soy ice cream (which is actually pretty good) – this is tofu flavored ice cream.  I’d try it if it didn’t cost $4 (I blame fucking Ben Bernanke and his quantitative easing monetary policy/Republicans). 

I did however try sweet potato flavored ice cream.  It was honestly so good that I was genuinely surprised nobody offers it back home. What a perfect Thanksgiving dessert (not that there is anything wrong with the sugar-free/cancer pie we eat at my house)

Next item on the menu..some green tea dumpling with red bean paste.  Again, not bad, but not that great either.  I’m not the biggest fan of weird Asian rice-based “mochi” gelatinous desserts.  Asians might have math skills up the ass and will likely dominate the 21st century, but the Europeans and Latin Americans will always own my stomach when it comes to desserts.  Oh except for Thai mango with black stick rice and coconut custard.  That stuff rocks my world.

Now this sweet potato and chestnut “love cake” (wtf?) sorta sounds good – but after my experience with the green tea dumpling and also because of the pounding sugar rush I’m suffering from I decide to limit myself to taking pictures of this one.

HAHA!  Octopus balls.  Haha.

Haha-check out these flaming gay pink and candy coated ultra-phallic chocolate-coated bananas.  I wish I could have snapped a few pictures of people eating these in the most raunchy way you can imagine, but I have real fears of Japanese aggressive tendencies.

Oh and um – what exactly is THIS?

Now this was some damn good fried chicken

Street food! I didn’t eat any of the above – though I did have a little pancake sandwich with chocolate melted into the middle. 

So the Japanese have a well-known reputation for following rules.  Well my experience confirmed for me that this reputation is more than justified.  Every minute detail of any activity is plainly spelled out so there is no room for any disorder.  I’m a rules/efficiency/master-race kinda guy myself so I really liked this about the country, but even I could see that maybe they carried things a liiiiitttle too far.

For instance…

Here are some handy “STOP” hands to avoid the catastrophic possibility that you might RUN INTO A FRIDGE.  Granted it’s a transparent door, but really – how often do people just keep going until they slam into the door?  If you’re that drunk that this is a regular problem, is this yellow sign going to make the slightest difference?

Some handy instructions in case you forget how to walk away from an automated urinal.  Yes, I whipped out my camera while using a urinal.  Yes, there was somebody using the urinal next to me.  Oddly, he didn’t seem to think it was strange, but then again he was using his fancy cell phone to do God knows what.   Anyways, I did it for your edification, so don’t piss on me (pun intended).  Who wants to borrow my camera?

Here’s a handy poster explaining how to wash your hands.  As ridiculous as this poster was, I did have the momentary thought to steal it and photocopy it and distribute it all over India. 

So I spotted lines like this all over Tokyo.  Everywhere I went, I noticed the Japanese jumping at a chance to form a line.  This one is for a restaurant.  Everyday, people happily stand and wait patiently just to grab lunch or go out for dinner with the family.  In the metro (which are so big they basically constitute a second – underground city) everyone lines up like it’s their job.  When I got to the airport and saw how happy everyone was to create lines for security and immigration I finally came to a realization - maybe they actually LIKE to line up?  I know that sounds weird, but I suppose its better than trying to conquer and brutalize East Asia, right?  Plus I don’t have to snap at obese, Indian line-cutters who pretend they  mysteriously “didn’t see the queue.”

There are countless other examples which I didn’t get on film.  The stairs in the metros have arrows diagrams in case I forgot that stairs can be used to go both up and down. My hotel provided a toothbrush with critical instructions on how to brush. The busses to the airport have seat belts with instructions on clicking them together.  Keep in mind how weird it is that they even have – and fully expect you to use -  seat belts on a bus.  Compare that to India where the busses are designed for population control (i.e. to kill everyone) and even the cars are intentionally designed so that there are no seat belts in the back seats. 

One other thing I genuinely really appreciated about Japan is that they use the same electric plug sockets as we do in the US.  I’ve never encountered this in any foreign country (Canada isn't really a country, much less “foreign”) so I was pleasantly surprised.  I was trying to figure out why this would be the case, when it hit me – WE NUKED THEM.  Twice.

So in short – nuclear annihilation = no need to carry electric adaptors! :-)

oh and look what else is on open display at 7-11.  Anime porn!  Oh Japan and its repressed sexual issues.

Even in Japan, Japanese tourists act like, well, Japanese tourists.  I was in the odd position of having to ask people to take pictures for me since I was alone.  I swear to God at least two girls I asked kept insisting I do a peace sign (I didn’t). 

On my second day in Tokyo I woke up at 4AM to get to the Tsukiji Fish Market to watch the much-vaunted tuna auctions.  Not worth it, but still a good experience and I was jet lagged anyways.

Dead tuna/future spicy tuna roll.  I’m just going to say it because you’re all expecting it and because she blocks my photo tags on face book.  Yes, we can all see that this rotting fish bears a remarkable resemblance to Kanika Mathur.

So only ~400 people are certified to be tuna inspectors in Japan.  In others words – apparently, the lucky guy above who is probing a dead fish – has an elite and prestigious job.  FYI- Pallavi / Ishara– I think he’s single and would probably smell just fine with enough febreeze.

My second sushi breakfast of the trip – and it only cost $30 + the cost of eating another meal immediately after because I was still hungry. 

I had this song before I landed in Tokyo, but now it means something.  Plus its fun to watch and explains my title.

 

*Please, PLEASE use Google to learn what a ping pong show in Bangkok is all about. 

**In fact I will come back.  I’m stopping over in December again – but more on that later.