My Northern Expedition

Some highlights from my weekend trip.

Near Death Experience

On the first morning of our trip in Jaipur I was about 3 minutes away from my hotel when I was HIT BY A FREAKING CAR.  The car was definitely speeding and came out of nowhere and slammed into my left arm and knocked my head.  This sucked.  What sucked even more though was that the driver DIDN’T STOP.  He/she didn’t even slow down or even bother to check that I was alive.  The (most likely mustached) monster continued speeding down the road as if tearing people’s arms off is just a normal part of a commute.  I hate to say it…but we all know it’s true…only in India.  Incredible India!

On the plus side, there happened to be a doctor’s clinic and a police station right next to where I got hit.  Convenient, no? 

Since there was no chance of the fat police force actually finding this motherfucking-asslicking-piece-of-shit-bastard-turd-son-of-a-bitch-spastic-ugly-choothole driver, I skipped out on going to the cops and went to the doctor to check on my arm that was rapidly turning a lovely shade of maroon.  I was really out of it – I guess kinda faint from the shock – and my arm was burning, but nothing felt broken.  My immediate reaction to the shock shouldn’t surprise anyone – I got ravenously and uncontrollably hungry.  This is my normal reaction to any kind of stress.  I’m not kidding.  I will one day be very very obese.

Anyways, a couple of handfuls of wasabi peas helped a lot and the doctor said my arm would be fine.  All in all, not a big deal, but it is scary to think that had I been walking 3 inches more to the left…  Well, lets just say I wouldn’t be posting anything right now.

Our Tour Guide

So Sagan and I decided to take a half-day tour run by the local Rajasthan tourist development office.  We were pretty sure we made a massive mistake when this guy showed up as our guide.

It gets even more ridiculous – check him out UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL

No he’s not Mexican. No nobody thought his hat was cool.  No there is no reason for that ridiculous mustache.  No he’s not qualified to take a dump much less lead a tour group.

Anyways so we basically ignored him (which was easy because he couldn’t really communicate in Hindi or English all that well) and used the tour for the cheap transport around the city.  Some of Jaipur’s main attractions include…

 

The Amber Fort.  It’s way up high on a mountain overlooking the city.  Probably my favorite site in the city.  Apparently you can take an elephant up to the Fort if you are so inclined.  We weren’t. 

City Palace.  Someone needs to show the residents of Jaipur what the color pink actually looks like.  Yes, I realize that “brownish city” doesn’t have the same ring to it as “the pink city”, but it’s not cool to just lie to everyone and lure them in.

An artsy picture juxtapositioning the traditional horse and carriage and the “modern” rickshaw.  Meant to invoke deep thinking about the many contrasts of life in India.  I’m such an amazing bullshitter. Thank you Fairmont High. 

The Hawa Mandir.  We just saw this from afar because our guide assured us it wasn’t worth seeing up close .  Turns out its THE thing to see in Jaipur.  My guidebook describes it as “Jaipur’s most famous site.”  

Man selling Peitha (made of rosewater, coconut, and saffron).  SOOO F’n GOOD.  Made me forget about how I almost lost my arm this morning. 

 

Albert Hall.  Yet another example of British architectural brilliance in India.

Living it up

We had a long day in Jaipur  and were taking a late train so we decided to treat ourselves to a night at the five-star Sheraton.  By “treat ourselves” I mean we found a couch in the Sheraton lobby and sat on it for 5 hours until our train departed.  It’s amazing how easy it was to convince hotel security that I was a recent guest who just checked out. God bless my heavy American accent.

Sleeping around

I slept with at least 3 cockroaches on our overnight train from Jaipur to Agra. Ménage à troi?  Good times.

Agra

Still, it was worth it to take the 2AM train and make it into Agra in time for sun rise at the Taj.  I’ve been to the Taj Mahal once before as an 11 year old – but honestly, this place never gets old. 

 

After the Taj, it’s time for the after party.  Or the Agra Fort.

  

Me contemplating the meaning of life…the nature of God…what to eat next…how long would it be before I found a bathroom with toilet paper…pondering why exactly, pray tell, do I LIVE IN INDIA.  Possibly unshowered.  Ok definitely unshowered, but it’s not my fault that they don’t have showers on the train.

Woohoo..MORE pics of the Taj..from the Fort.  The 45 pictures I took in the morning just weren’t enough.

 

Desecrating monuments that are hundreds of years old for a cool shot.  Didn’t even turn out that cool.

I know it’s starting to get old, but how can I not think of Kanika when I see a garbage dump with an STD?

 

We decided to book it out of Agra a couple hours earlier than originally planned.  Made it into Delhi that evening to hang out and grab dinner.  The next day some more site seeing.  As always there is some sort of phallic monument that must be visited – Qutb Minar in this case.

Oh I also learned that the whole Qutb Minar complex – including this former mosque (first in India) – was built out of materials that were taken from a Jain temple that was destroyed in the exact same spot.   Maybe if Jains made a decent kebab once in a while I’d feel a little bad about this fact.  Sorry Ankit...Shrenik…

 

The smaller phallic structure is called the "Iron Pillar."  It’s been around for ~1600 years and hasn’t rusted or decomposed in any way.  Not too shabby. 

By the way – if you ever want to play a sick game – try google imaging “iron rod” and see what comes up. 

Who knew so many kids have been impaled by iron rods?

My 100th time visiting India Gate.  I’m starting to be less and less impressed by this Arc de Triomphe wannabe.

But I WAS impressed by this pappadum with magical chaat sprinkled on it.  I followed this with some sweet potato with yet another magical chaat and lime juice marinade.  Oh and then golcuppa to finish off this 4000 calorie “snack.”

My favorite spot in Delhi – the Lodhi Gardens.  Apparently the park is known to be a place for lovers to have their lurid rendezvous (i.e. it’s a hook up park).  Who knew.

That night we met up with some friends and went to a bar in the Janpath Hotel.  The lighting and decor at this bar was UNBELIEVABLE.  Definitely a place that can compete with the best bars in NYC.  God I love money.